You Are Not Always Busy, Stop Lying To Yourself

We’ve all heard it at one time or another, and we have all been guilty of it probably more than once. It stings every time we hear it, yet we so quickly forget all that pain once we can’t seem to “find” the time. There are many reasons why it is used on us, and a whole host of reasons why we use it ourselves. What I am talking about of course is that simple little phrase, “Sorry, I can’t, I’m too busy.” Oh how I hate to hear that phrase, true or not.

In our culture we have fetishized the idea that we are always busy, consumed in our lives so much so that we come to believe that we have become the worlds most famous and sought after celebrity. Entrepreneurs tout 100 hour work weeks, investment bankers turn to coke to stay alert at all ours to squeak out another million, fashion students inject their veins with the latest poetic name emblazoned upon a simple cup of joe. We have been trained to think that we are always busy, never a second for anyone but numero uno. Then we wonder why our dating life seems to slip right through our fingers, and the ones we cared about are laying butts to nuts with their new beau. Being busy is not always a good thing, but that is aside from the fact of what I want to get at.

I have some friends and significant others that will tell me they are too busy and can’t spare an extra 30 minutes to an hour to have a meaningful conversation, or grab a whiff from the coffee house down the street. A meal? HA! Never, who has time to eat with another person when we can eat by ourselves? People, plane and simple, if you want to make time for someone you can. Don’t lie to me, and for Pete’s sake don’t lie to yourself. You are only going to set yourself back in so many ways, and continue to wonder why every meaningful relationship you ever had disappeared without notice. Ring, ring, ring, Oh, hello this is reality calling to tell you, you are all alone. Where is your best friend? Oh I’m sorry she left a long time ago, didn’t you get the change of address form? Your wife? Didn’t you get the divorce forms, isn’t this your signature right here? That cute girl down the street? While you were buried knee deep in the paperwork of bullshit she found a guy that values her time. I think the point is clear, everyone is busy, but if you want to see success in relationships you have to actually take time to make time. If someone says they want to see you it means they are also taking the time out of their equally busy, and possibly more busy schedule to make it work with you. Pull your head out of your ass, and live in the moment.

Now, saying we are busy isn’t always something we do subconsciously while we are too involved with the person in the mirror. It is also something that we use as a defense mechanism, and as much as I hate the phrase, I am quite guilty of using it to get out of seeing someone. The fact is, it isn’t that I don’t want to see them, it is just that I don’t have the immediate urge to see them right now. As a simple let down, I will just deflect that I am too busy to make their day this time. Is this really the right thing to do though? As I said, everyone’s time is valuable, and if you are going to waste it by dicking around with their emotions, then what does that say about you? Nothing great that is for sure. You need to ask yourself why you are telling your potential significant other that you are busy. Do you just need a little break and some me time, or are you actually not interested? Really take the time to assess that. If the answer is the latter then let them go, you will both be more happy, even if it stings a bit at the onset. Plus, you’ll now be free for other, more compatible people in your life. Problem solved.

Be honest, you aren’t always busy. Perhaps not the best at time management, but definitely not always busy. Make time, and find your relationships flourish, and become more meaningful. Let go of those that you aren’t willing to take time for, shouldn’t be that hard. And of the last time, DON’T say you are busy!

A Word: Love, miraculously described in text Part 2

Some say when the mind connects with the heart there is no greater love on this earth. My soul began to connect the two and what no one had ever been able to tell before, was something I realized. The stuff of legends, that people dream of but never seek and achieve. As this completed I neared the top, the summit that I had strove for, for so long to reach. The light on the other side exploded in a blinding power. Everything seemed to slow, my breathe began to wain, my heart slowed, and my eyes fluttered to darkness. I stood not knowing where I was and began to fall back, floating down, gently. My lungs took in no more air, my heart would beat no longer, and the black clouds engulfed me. When my eyes fluttered open I was in an other worldly place. The lady of the mountain was face to face with me, floating in this dream state. Her soft voice, spoke the words, “I love you”. Torn and bleeding from the climb I returned the words, with no sense of tarnish, no ill. Again, everything went black and I crashed back into the mountain, but black it never would remain. 

Some say I was the man of legends that bound with the woman of the mountain to become one. I was the one who found the secret to the grand essential to happiness in this life, but it came with my death. The myth of my death some believe, but that is not true love unless it is apparent that I still live on. The greatest happiness ever was found and still exists to this day. The reason, all those who embark on the same climb will find. Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies, and now it is a single soul, a single love, and a single happiness that was once two bodies, now composed of one mountain, together in the revels of the climb. The climb, is what I hope for

A Word: Love, miraculously described in text Part 1

I’ve been talking a bit about what love is, and I realized it is often very hard to really know if you are in love or not. Here is my allegorical explanation to hopefully express the exact emotions that are felt while in love. It may not be complete, nor the best description, but it is all I can do with the words that are given to us.

Roland Barthes probably put it best, “To try and write love is to confront the muck of language: that region of hysteria where language is both too much and too little, excessive and impoverished.” That hysteria began with Joseph Addison’s three grand essentials to happiness in this life: something to do, something to love, and something to hope for.

My something to do began at the base of a deadly mountain, chilling in the shadow of the day, blistering with its roar, and ravage with its wispy nails cutting through your skin from the days of hardened defense. This mountain was like none other in the world, millions had attempted it throughout the history of the human race, but only few had ever reached the summit. Some have said the mountain can see within your soul, and if there is not clarity between your mind and heart, death will be your fate. With this in mind I set each foot one after another into the glossy flakes of ice beneath. Empty air slithered into my lungs and grabbed at me.

The base where I was just an hour before, turned black and appeared to disappear away. Stunned I gazed beyond the windows of my mind, a hook seemed to be deep within my heart pulling away everything I had ever felt. Hesitantly I took a few more steps. All of me felt heavy as I sank into the powder. All the white, washed over my eyes. I awoke floating away from the crater in the snow I had just left. Nothing had ever felt this way deep within, my mind was airy, but my heart was light. After that there was nothing but the mountain, and a climb to fill my heart of something greater than myself.

In the first day I had made it a minuscule way up. Loneliness set in as the first night approached. Only embers from the fire kept warmth to my body. Very little flame ever glittered away from the ashes, the source that was the mountain kept its hold upon the throat of the fire. Every story I heard was true, and the rest of this summit was only to get harder. Yearning the next morning from the dream I had while asleep in the snowy mountain, I began to furiously climb. Only briefly would I stop to catch my breathe. Unknown to me at the beginning of my journey was that this mountain was not a wild animal, or beast from mythical stories, but a lady. A lady of the greatest nature, the chilling wind was like her dark flowing hair, the snow like the softness of her skin, and the rocks like the strength she had to control you, death or life. Days and days went by, the lady of the mountain threw her fortitude at me, and my heart began to fall in love with the challenge and the grace.

A barrier of thick dark clouds still stood within my sight and the tip of the mountain. I fought with ever part of the mountain. Tears from the blinding snow would freeze on my cheek, and each crevice would daunt my hope to continue further. My heart began to fill, even with my mind more cautious than ever, protecting me from every bend in the slim curves of the woman beneath. As each day was a challenge more unlike the previous day, I soon found my something to love. Each night I held dreams of this mountain, with the tender woman beneath the raging facade. I awoke each morning with great strength throughout. My love for the mountain grew, and my mind became more at ease with the treacherous cliffs and slippery grains beneath my footwear. Weeks passed and it was as if I danced upon the curves and twists of the young lady, making my way towards the dark clouds that were chopping off the view to the peak.

Shortly afterward, I began my assent into the darkness that guarded the summit. Black waves ensued, crashing into my core. Turquoise lightning struck, and I felt I could see the eyes of the mountain, fear striking within me. All the while my mind still lay caution to my heart, of the harm that lay ahead. The peak grew in my sight, and what seemed to be the light from a burning white sun, lay just beyond the other side. Naturally, love is a most distant possibility. That held true as the peak never seemed to get closer. I tried and I fell, tumbling down tearing my skin on the exposed rock, many times I could not reach the top.

I lay one night, and again I had a dream, this dream gave the key to achieving the summit, but in the dream that key would mean the death of me. My final assent to the top would be this day. The cold of below left, and a heat and sharpness began tearing away the bonds I had on for the piercing cold. Finally, I had found what I could hope for, with my mind letting down its final defense it molded with my heart in the love for this mountain, my heart felt something great, and my mind was more clear than ever. What I could hope for was to reach the summit with a heart and mind full of love.

This One Aspect is the Greatest Paradox of Love

I implore you to imagine the greatest love that you have ever experienced. I realize not all of us have truly experienced deep, seemingly endless, and soul fulfilling love. Some of you may be young, and yet to experience any sort of love whether it be a summer romance or a shy crush, others, hardened by the battle that love is, potentially left wrought with an end left wanting. For those of you that have not been through heart swelling love, connected through endless parlay of evocative exchange, imagine the love that you might have for your mother, father, sibling, stuffed animal, or most loving pet. That love you see in every romance film, perfect. Imagine that feeling of utter bliss, the cloud that left you floating above the grime the world throws at you. Beautiful isn’t it? Now I want you to continue that thought to the time when all of that, like the last placement of a block in Jenga, came toppling, end over end leaving you emotionally numb and forever scarred. Every fiber of your being longs endlessly for what was just lost. You lay helplessly by the death bed of your amore. Love has an evil mistress, and it brings about the greatest roller coaster ride of emotions that we experience in life. The highest highs and the lowest lows. The issue with love, just like a drug you build a tolerance to, you must keep injecting yourself with more and more to reach new highs. When you go cold turkey though, you may not surface for days, pounded by the depression of a love lost. Emotional withdrawal. That leaves us the great paradox of love, to get the most out of it you must love equal or more than the other person in the relationship. The problem though, is that whoever loves less has the greatest power in the relationship, and won’t be crushed endlessly like Sisyphus under a boulder of heartbreak. Unfortunately, they won’t ever be the most joyous either.

You may argue that in fact you can love fully and completely and get the most out of it, while refraining from getting hurt or constantly wondering if and when this great relationship is going to end, but lets be real, that is near impossible. After we have been through this process a couple times and experiencing “love” and losing it for one reason or another, you get scars and become much more guarded and hardened.

Love stinks, the paradox of love and life and how the ones you love the most only hurt you more.

Love stinks

Finding love becomes harder and harder as it becomes a terrible process for you to let go of the past and to ultimately let go of the control of the relationship. You may be wondering why I keep saying that. Let’s think about it for a second. If you are able to remain more detached, or simply just less enthralled with the other person you can keep the relationship in your court so to speak. You can choose when you want to see them, what to talk about, how you communicate, how close they get to you, and how close you get to them. They don’t occupy your brain running around exhausted and defeated like rat in a maze that has no exit. In many respects it is like getting a small love buzz, but never becoming drunk to avoid the untimely hangover the next morning. In the eyes of the other person things are great, they are completely infatuated with you, and their heart is yours completely. That means you can manipulate them till your heart is content, and they are the one trying everything to make you happier and happier. Your loved one might give up sleep, food, friendship, ambition, and more just to see you happy. You may only occasionally return the favor, but they are stuck on you, and there is nothing they can do to change that. I know. You have the power. If things start to go south you have all the capabilities to remain removed emotionally and cut it off when the going gets tough. It becomes purely business, a transaction of emotion. That isn’t really love though, no matter how enjoyable you might think it is. Sure, when the relationship ends you are able to rebound quickly and find another “lover” but how long can you keep that up? Eventually there will be some emptiness inside you, dark and dank, yearning for more. However, you have the control when someone loves you more than you them, everything is on your terms, and little effort is required. Your mind, and your being is left to care for many more aspects of life, a trade off that might prove valuable. Who is really enjoying this process more though? Is anyone enjoying it as much as they can? Probably not. ]Although, that is not to say that enjoyment is not felt, as I can attest, it very much is. What I am talking about is the peaks and the valleys though. Highs are only experienced by seeing lows, and higher highs are only compared in such that the lows are in respect so much lower. Our level of happiness, in many respects is a function of how great our previous low of depression and self loathing was. This is why love is other worldly, and lust is merely great. Although, “great” can be enjoyed for a very long.

The second side of the paradox though, the side where you find the most amazing feeling any human can feel, with deep true love, can also be a double edged sword. You want to go into a relationship thinking that it will last forever, it probably won’t, especially if you are young. That will crush you, and it may not even be the other persons fault, it could have been a death, unfortunate circumstances, or just a timing issue. Continuing to give your all though will have amazing results when it comes to love. As soon as you love more than the other person, and are more fully devoted, you are the one who will all of a sudden be left helpless. Begging and grasping at what once existed, perhaps for years and years, will do nothing, and you will be left with shambles of a once outstanding relationship.

Paradox of love, you can certainly hurt even more after loving so much it hurts, because then it will end.

I disagree.

Looking back on that time you will learn an enormous amount, about yourself, about others, life, experience, emotions, everything. I have not denied the amount of pain you will feel though, for a very long time. Life is not a romantic comedy where everything will be hunky dory, nor is it a pornographic film where you can go from one person to the next with minimal emotion. Life is so much in between, and that is the greatest part. The question of this all becomes, what matters most to you, and are you willing to accept each set of consequences whether you love less or more? Do you want to learn the true depths of your inner self, and experience utter dejection, or do you want to never experience the dark corners of what lays within your psyche, but only be graced with glimpses of self discovery and growth? Do you like who you are right now, because that is going to change greatly one way or another if you make the wrong choice. Puzzling isn’t it? Even scary and overwhelming perhaps?

Right now, I would say I am one who loved and lost as you can see from my previous posts, and I am the one loving less in all my relationships now. This ensures that I stay in control of everything that happens and if a girl leaves my life, not a problem, life moves on. Without a doubt I am having a good time doing this, and am experiencing many different people, emotions, and moments that I will never forget. Late at night, on the few occasions when I have no one around me, like now, I think about having love again, and how perfect my life felt in so many ways. Often times I would give everything to go back to the first 6 months of that whole process. Alas, it is not my time to board that train, and quite likely not my time for awhile. This is the great paradox of love. As many singers and songwriters have said, love stinks. They keep singing about it though. To have the best love, and happiest life you must devote everything, mind, body, soul, self, time, as anything in life requires. To be hurt the least, and be able to move on faster, you have to commit less, and get less out of it. You can’t have your cake and eat it to, you will hurt one way or another, but you must choose what is right for you.

My Hollywood Relationship: Part 9 The Storm

At this point in the story, my whole life seemed to be perfect. I was starting a great tech company, I had the girl of my dreams, and I could not be happier with the love that we shared together. To sum it up, life was absolutely perfect, and looking back on it, to this day I think those were the happiest few months of my entire life. I can only wish that any point in the future can hold that great of happiness. Enough with the sappiness though, it is time for the storm clouds to roll in and put an end to all this sunshine. Enter stage left, the rain cloud, give me a few good lightning strikes, and bring on the thunder. I hope you have a comfy seat and are buckled in, because we are in for some turbulence.

Part 1, 2, 3, 3.2, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 to get caught up on where we are at with this story.

 

Eventually she returned to Japan, and he returned to California, and they began the long journey and process of staying connected and in love until they saw each other again. Probably the most meaningful and dedicated thing they did, was to write one blog post about a quote or question they selected. This was quite the process, but it allowed them to learn more about one another in those four months than they ever learned about any other person. It showed true compassion for their relationship to go through that each and every night, and to share so much, with such strength or character and honesty.

The first three months, even though spent apart seemed to be going amazingly. The love that was being shared each and everyday was palpable, and incredibly touching. They were more in love than ever, and the intense happiness that they felt during the semester prior, and the wonderful memories they shared together seemed to continue deep into the summer, even while thousands of miles away. Until all at once it changed, and those feelings of happiness and love came to an abrupt end.

Those final couple of weeks seemed to drag on forever. Happiness and love turned into arguing, hurtful things being said, and little affection being shown. It all began with her disappearing one day, and they did not speak. When she finally responded back he was about to lay his head on his pillow and drift off into sleep, worrying about her, and her safety. Turns out she was fine, but didn’t want to talk to him anymore. Tensions were building, and pressure was being pushed on her for finding a job and starting a career. Apparently that left him as a second thought, one that she would return to without actual feelings of whether she wanted to still be with him. Their love, once an amazing tower, built strong and tall, now left laying in shambles, torn down, and left in a mess of rubble. He was left speechless, his seemingly weakening heart hurting more than it ever had. What had happened? He was not sure, and maybe she wasn’t either, but how would he know?

He had waited all summer for her to come back and be reunited with him, and now it seemed like that moment would, and shouldn’t ever happen. When the day arrived, he got into his car and made sure to get to the airport early so that he wouldn’t run into traffic, and he wouldn’t make her wait if she got there early. He had a whole romantic evening by the beach planned for when she returned, but he didn’t know if it would actually be worth it at this point, with her not even sure if they should still be together. Sadly, and almost pathetically, he was still confident in being with her, and that made it even harder for him to bear seeing her.Dust Storm Bringing in the Problems

He pulled into the terminal and there she was with her luggage in hand. They hugged, and kissed and seemed happy enough to see each other, but the feeling they had before just was not the same. He decided to continue on his romantic plan anyway, hoping that it would reignite that flame they shared just four months prior. It was a nice night out, but it wasn’t perfect like he dreamed. It led to arguing and wondering where they were actually headed, but they still managed to have a good enough time together.

It was the many weeks after that, that would prove the most difficult. All he wanted was his sweetheart back, the one he called the one, the one he loved with no end. She on the other hand thought herself to be a newly awakened individual, who didn’t want anyone by her side and no one to love. To him that was alarming, he was still reeling from the fact that everything changed 180 degrees in such a short period of time.

She was confused, about who she was, what she really wanted and where they would be headed. In just a couple months she would be headed back to Japan permanently. That would be an entirely different challenge. He knew she was struggling though, and he did absolutely everything he possibly could to make sure she was happy again, and loved him like she used to. At this point there was no happiness, no love, no affection. It was a struggle to get anywhere with the relationship and it was nearing it’s end. At any moment he thought that he would give up, and just consider the relationship to be a lost cause, but he kept going, doing absolutely everything he possibly could to make her happy.

She was not sure she wanted to continue the relationship when she returned to Japan, but he was confident they could do it. They just had to get through each week, step by step. He took her out often, and tried to do special things as much as he could to help her cope with everything, and experience the many great things that life had to offer. The first major milestone was making it to his best friends wedding when they would return to Colorado for a few days to celebrate in the love of marriage and a child, and strong friendship. That seemed to be a rejuvenating moment in their relationship, and things were back on track, but not the same as they used to be. It would take more time for them to really get back to what would be close to how they were before.

After the brief road trip they had together to visit his dad, and the time they spent in Colorado with his friends things really started to seem to get back to normal and she seemed happy again. It had taken a toll on him though. The endless effort made him exhausted. He still loved her dearly, but he just hoped that she would realize how much time he spent trying to help her get through those tough times. They finally seemed happy together, once again. Now there was just one month left in the semester and they had to make the best of it. He had done everything out of love, but now six months of a struggling relationship made him the skeptical one about what would happen when they left one another for potentially two years. Interestingly enough she was the one who was the one who wanted to make it work when they separated again. He did too, but knew that it was going to be very hard, and he needed to recharge his batteries soon. In this last month things seemed to be great again, and it all was happy. The scars were still there from the summer, but the strong happiness and endless love seemed to be back again. Just as his batteries were getting recharged, his trust was broken again, just two weeks before they would be separated indefinitely.

My Hollywood Relationship: Part 8 The Long Separation

As you may have read from my earlier posts, everything in this rather Hollywood romance story, has been just peachy and full of happiness. However, as with any great Oscar winning film, there must be a major climax, and some major problem that happens between the two lovers. Unbeknownst to them, it is time for that turn in the story, even when everything seems to be falling into place perfectly. Plot line for a story

Part 1, 2, 3, 3.2, 4, 5, 6, 7 for your enjoyment.

Heading into the summer they tried to spend as much time together as possible. It was the most amazing semester the two of them had ever had, and they never felt happier in their lives. They also began to talk about what the next four months apart held for them. They were going to try their best to make it through it, but she warned that she did not do well with long distance, and he wasn’t known for being the best either. Despite that fact though, they were committed to making it work and being at their happiest ever, they were going to stop at nothing to make it work.

The end of the year approached and it was a sad time, another bitter sweet time. Capping off the end to one of the greatest experiences of their lives, but getting ready to begin a new long and seemingly grueling strain of unending longing for one another. They said their long goodbyes at the airport, kissed passionately and then he left to go back home, and she returned to school until she would leave to go back home.

As a whim though, she decided she would come spend some time in his home state, and home town with him. He could not be happier, and he was waiting to tell her something that he had been thinking about ever since he had that flash about their future together. He wasn’t sure she felt the same way though, or whether or not she would accept how he felt and not leave him right then and there. When she arrived, it was amazing. They went to all the places that were so meaningful to him, and she saw the place of where all his stories and experiences originated from. She saw the final pieces of him, and really put it all together to see him for exactly who he was, is, and will be. He completely let her in, and he felt ecstatic about it.

A couple days later, as they were laying together in the small pullout couch at his mom’s house, he told her exactly what he had been thinking about. He told her everything about how he wanted a family with her, and how he never felt that about anyone else, and how he knew that she was the one, the one that you see in every romantic comedy film to come out of Hollywood. She was his fairytale ending. She harbored similar feelings for him, and they both lay there, tightly pressed against one another, staring deeply into the eyes of the other, with nothing but love surrounding them.

The last days she spent with him were amazing, everything that they had ever imagined. Unfortunately, this time they approached the the airport it would be a long time before they ever were able to hug, kiss, or share in a loving stare as they fell asleep next to each other, happy. These next months would be some of the most difficult for them, but they didn’t quite know just how it would end.

My Hollywood Relationship: Part 7 Love

It is finally time, where we fall in love. There was nothing better in life at this point, nothing at all.

Part 1, 2, 3, 3.2, 4, 5, 6

 

It would be a little while longer when they finally admitted that they have truly fell completely for one another. It was a very ordinary day, there was nothing particularly special about it, the sun was shining, the birds were chirping, and it was just like every other day before it, and everyone there after. There was one specific difference though, today was finally they day he was going to tell her that he loved her. He had been hinting at it for quite some time, drawing “I heart you” on her chest while they lay together at night, falling asleep in one another’s arms. Today though, this was the day, the wondrous amazing day that he would finally let her know how he truly felt.

He had been in a relationship before, a rather long one reaching to two years, and he did love that girl, or at least to the extent that he thought love could be felt. This time though, he knew this was everlasting, and beyond any emotional feeling that he had ever felt in his young life. He was positive that any spark of emotion, any lust for another individual before could never compare to what he had grown to experience in those last few months. She was perfect, not without imperfections, but perfect in the sense that she was the embodiment of everything he had ever wanted in a loved one. Head to toe, there was nothing better that existed in the world.

They were relaxing in his big, double bed together. They were being silly and rolling around, and he was just about to get ready for track practice, when he laid on top of her and said those three little words that he so feared saying for much too long. He didn’t say it in any grand way, he didn’t plan anything particularly romantic. He just said it, and it felt so natural, like it had been said to her a hundred times before. She was caught off guard and quickly asked if it was true, and he adoringly admonished that yes he did in fact love her without bound. She, almost astonishingly, responded, that yes she loved him too. For both of them it had to be one of the most joyful moments they had ever felt. As if he was the Grinch before, he felt like his heart grew three sizes. As normal as that moment felt, it almost seemed as though that moment should have been more momentous. It wasn’t though, but it was none the less meaningful. He loved her, and she him, and all was perfect.

 

Not too long after that it was time that she meet his parents. His dad was the first one for her to meet, and his dad sat waiting in his room to meet her. He knew his dad would really like her, but could never be too sure. There was no one more important to him to have like her. The first encounter went well, his dad slipped a few sly, but funny comments in their conversation, but all was well and his initial impression of her was good. The next encounter for her would be his mom, and he was positive that his mom would love her, just because of who his mom was, and indeed she did. The rest of that weekend was largely spent with his family, and she perhaps met more of his family than she had planned, but it all went very well, and they all approved of her 100%. This was incredibly meaningful for him, because it validated his sincere love for her inside and out.

Sadly, as his family left it meant that the end of the semester was approaching and that meant that he would briefly be returning home before coming back to start his company, and she would be headed back to Japan for nearly four long months apart.