A Word: Love, miraculously described in text Part 1

I’ve been talking a bit about what love is, and I realized it is often very hard to really know if you are in love or not. Here is my allegorical explanation to hopefully express the exact emotions that are felt while in love. It may not be complete, nor the best description, but it is all I can do with the words that are given to us.

Roland Barthes probably put it best, “To try and write love is to confront the muck of language: that region of hysteria where language is both too much and too little, excessive and impoverished.” That hysteria began with Joseph Addison’s three grand essentials to happiness in this life: something to do, something to love, and something to hope for.

My something to do began at the base of a deadly mountain, chilling in the shadow of the day, blistering with its roar, and ravage with its wispy nails cutting through your skin from the days of hardened defense. This mountain was like none other in the world, millions had attempted it throughout the history of the human race, but only few had ever reached the summit. Some have said the mountain can see within your soul, and if there is not clarity between your mind and heart, death will be your fate. With this in mind I set each foot one after another into the glossy flakes of ice beneath. Empty air slithered into my lungs and grabbed at me.

The base where I was just an hour before, turned black and appeared to disappear away. Stunned I gazed beyond the windows of my mind, a hook seemed to be deep within my heart pulling away everything I had ever felt. Hesitantly I took a few more steps. All of me felt heavy as I sank into the powder. All the white, washed over my eyes. I awoke floating away from the crater in the snow I had just left. Nothing had ever felt this way deep within, my mind was airy, but my heart was light. After that there was nothing but the mountain, and a climb to fill my heart of something greater than myself.

In the first day I had made it a minuscule way up. Loneliness set in as the first night approached. Only embers from the fire kept warmth to my body. Very little flame ever glittered away from the ashes, the source that was the mountain kept its hold upon the throat of the fire. Every story I heard was true, and the rest of this summit was only to get harder. Yearning the next morning from the dream I had while asleep in the snowy mountain, I began to furiously climb. Only briefly would I stop to catch my breathe. Unknown to me at the beginning of my journey was that this mountain was not a wild animal, or beast from mythical stories, but a lady. A lady of the greatest nature, the chilling wind was like her dark flowing hair, the snow like the softness of her skin, and the rocks like the strength she had to control you, death or life. Days and days went by, the lady of the mountain threw her fortitude at me, and my heart began to fall in love with the challenge and the grace.

A barrier of thick dark clouds still stood within my sight and the tip of the mountain. I fought with ever part of the mountain. Tears from the blinding snow would freeze on my cheek, and each crevice would daunt my hope to continue further. My heart began to fill, even with my mind more cautious than ever, protecting me from every bend in the slim curves of the woman beneath. As each day was a challenge more unlike the previous day, I soon found my something to love. Each night I held dreams of this mountain, with the tender woman beneath the raging facade. I awoke each morning with great strength throughout. My love for the mountain grew, and my mind became more at ease with the treacherous cliffs and slippery grains beneath my footwear. Weeks passed and it was as if I danced upon the curves and twists of the young lady, making my way towards the dark clouds that were chopping off the view to the peak.

Shortly afterward, I began my assent into the darkness that guarded the summit. Black waves ensued, crashing into my core. Turquoise lightning struck, and I felt I could see the eyes of the mountain, fear striking within me. All the while my mind still lay caution to my heart, of the harm that lay ahead. The peak grew in my sight, and what seemed to be the light from a burning white sun, lay just beyond the other side. Naturally, love is a most distant possibility. That held true as the peak never seemed to get closer. I tried and I fell, tumbling down tearing my skin on the exposed rock, many times I could not reach the top.

I lay one night, and again I had a dream, this dream gave the key to achieving the summit, but in the dream that key would mean the death of me. My final assent to the top would be this day. The cold of below left, and a heat and sharpness began tearing away the bonds I had on for the piercing cold. Finally, I had found what I could hope for, with my mind letting down its final defense it molded with my heart in the love for this mountain, my heart felt something great, and my mind was more clear than ever. What I could hope for was to reach the summit with a heart and mind full of love.

My Hollywood Relationship: Part 8 The Long Separation

As you may have read from my earlier posts, everything in this rather Hollywood romance story, has been just peachy and full of happiness. However, as with any great Oscar winning film, there must be a major climax, and some major problem that happens between the two lovers. Unbeknownst to them, it is time for that turn in the story, even when everything seems to be falling into place perfectly. Plot line for a story

Part 1, 2, 3, 3.2, 4, 5, 6, 7 for your enjoyment.

Heading into the summer they tried to spend as much time together as possible. It was the most amazing semester the two of them had ever had, and they never felt happier in their lives. They also began to talk about what the next four months apart held for them. They were going to try their best to make it through it, but she warned that she did not do well with long distance, and he wasn’t known for being the best either. Despite that fact though, they were committed to making it work and being at their happiest ever, they were going to stop at nothing to make it work.

The end of the year approached and it was a sad time, another bitter sweet time. Capping off the end to one of the greatest experiences of their lives, but getting ready to begin a new long and seemingly grueling strain of unending longing for one another. They said their long goodbyes at the airport, kissed passionately and then he left to go back home, and she returned to school until she would leave to go back home.

As a whim though, she decided she would come spend some time in his home state, and home town with him. He could not be happier, and he was waiting to tell her something that he had been thinking about ever since he had that flash about their future together. He wasn’t sure she felt the same way though, or whether or not she would accept how he felt and not leave him right then and there. When she arrived, it was amazing. They went to all the places that were so meaningful to him, and she saw the place of where all his stories and experiences originated from. She saw the final pieces of him, and really put it all together to see him for exactly who he was, is, and will be. He completely let her in, and he felt ecstatic about it.

A couple days later, as they were laying together in the small pullout couch at his mom’s house, he told her exactly what he had been thinking about. He told her everything about how he wanted a family with her, and how he never felt that about anyone else, and how he knew that she was the one, the one that you see in every romantic comedy film to come out of Hollywood. She was his fairytale ending. She harbored similar feelings for him, and they both lay there, tightly pressed against one another, staring deeply into the eyes of the other, with nothing but love surrounding them.

The last days she spent with him were amazing, everything that they had ever imagined. Unfortunately, this time they approached the the airport it would be a long time before they ever were able to hug, kiss, or share in a loving stare as they fell asleep next to each other, happy. These next months would be some of the most difficult for them, but they didn’t quite know just how it would end.

My Hollywood Relationship: Part 3 They Connect

So the story continues, and let me tell you it is legitimately as long as a feature length film, so we are only into part 3 here, but bear with me, the plot will now start to thicken. For those of you unfamiliar with the story to date, I encourage you to go read the first two parts before beginning this section. Part 1 and Part 2. I promise you it will be worth it.

 

A little while longer passed, and by chance he failed an exam in economics. At the time it seemed like a horrible misfortune, but just like the light gray clouds with the silver lining that first day back, there was a silver lining to this misfortune. One of his best friends mentioned that she was in a class with a great professor, and said he should try and get into that class.

The next day he went and audited the class in hopes of getting in. To this class he was early. He and his friend were a couple of the first people in the class, and were already sitting by the time the girl with the sweet smile walked in. Surprising to her, and the rest of class, there was a new person, and it was him. He was likewise surprised to see her walk in, happily surprised. The yearning sensation again was felt, but in his mind he was happy with who he was with, and didn’t see that changing anytime soon.

 

Not too much longer another perfect opportunity presented itself. He was finally early to class, so early in fact, he was the first one there. She was the next, and to her utter surprise, there he was already sitting with his snacks, quietly munching away. Then the first words were spoken, “You are here early,” she exclaimed. He happily responded, and they engaged in their first interaction ever. It was brief, but perfect. It made his day, and he hoped it had made hers too. The rest of the class continued on per usual, just this time without a disruption at the beginning of class. Aside from that, the time ended and once again they both went on their separate ways without a word. He still felt the yearning, more than ever this time. He didn’t know what it was, or why it was happening if he was in a happy relationship already. One that seemed stronger than ever, but was it really?

This was the first relationship in a long time that he really felt something for the other person, and felt alive, but he knew love, and he knew people, so he knew there was something missing. He began to notice that although him and his girlfriend were perfectly happy together, there was no special spark, nothing hinting that she could ever be someone he truly loved.

On the other hand each day when he saw the small, and ever elegant girl in his classes, there was a constant yearning. So much so that he finally decided to look her up on Facebook and add her as a friend, knowing full well that she would look at his profile and quickly realize that he was in a relationship. He thought about waiting longer, but he couldn’t seem to let her stay out of his life for any longer.

A few days later, his seemingly happy relationship came to an abrupt end, leaving everyone but him questioning what had happened. It was simple, he was too busy, and she wanted more commitment. At least that is what everyone thought, and how the story went. His reasons didn’t matter, but a day or two later he messaged her. He thought the fact that he had just ended his relationship would make this message strange, and he knew she would notice right away. Half expecting to not actually hear back from her, he sent the message anyway. To his delight she responded, and actually engaged in a conversation. Turns out they connected very well.

The next day he mentioned this exchange of messages to his good friend, and told him that he thought there really was something there. He asked if he was sure about that, having just ended a relationship, and I told him I wasn’t looking for a relationship, but I did think there was something there. A touch confused he agreed to his decision to continue talking to that wonderful girl. The yearning greater than ever.

They continued their conversations over the internet, still not speaking much in person, but he finally got the courage to ask her to do homework with him. To his dismay she was leaving for a trip to Boston. Although, she was able to do homework and hang out when she returned. When that moment arrived, it was great. Nothing physical, just purely talking and getting to know each other, with some homework thrown in. Same thing happened again a couple days later, and they really hit it off. The attraction he felt was stronger than ever but he wanted to take it slow, no major moves right away.

This was a good move, she recognized this and saw that although he just got out of a relationship, this was a good guy. They continued to talk, this time some more offline. One extremely foggy night, probably the foggiest night they could each remember, they decided to test the waters. She invited him over to her place, but made him wait a rather long time before actually deciding to meet up with him. He didn’t mind much, he was happy to be able to be with her that night. He began his trek over to her room, having already changed into his sweats, and taken out his contacts so he could hardly see in the fog. He didn’t wear his glasses because he didn’t want her to know he had them. The air was damp that night, cold but with a strange warmth. As he walked there was the soft glow of lights all around, and faint music still playing across the field with a handful of people still partying the night away. Once he crossed the street it became very quiet, no one seemed to be around, and all sounds were dampened by the fog.First Love

He got to thinking about the night, they would be sleeping, yes, but he didn’t want much more. He was looking for intimacy like a passionate kiss, and spending time getting to know her. He still wanted to take things slow and from his past relationships, saw that sex early in a relationship led to emotions that weren’t very meaningful.

Once he arrived at the street corner he had trouble finding her, not being able to read the street signs without his contacts, and the fog not making it any easier to see anyone, he waited for a good amount of time before seeing a slender, small silhouette standing in the distance, and he at last found her. They shared a quick embrace, and then carried on to her room. There they sat on her bed and talked for quite some time. He was perfectly happy to get to know her more, as that strong connection was all that he was after. As the night went on they were finally ready for bed, and they proceeded to slip off their clothes and cozy next to one another in the rather narrow bed. His hand on her arm, they laid there and went to bed, nothing physical until a few hours later he began to massage her back, his mind still racing, and despite his normal habits, was unable to sleep. He felt warm, not just because of the thick covers, but because he finally shared a strong, meaningful connection with someone. In the early morning, the sky still pitch black, she rolled over and they looked at each other, pretending to sleep. Inch by inch they crept closer, until the first tender kiss pressed ever so softly on their lips. It was like that small ember floating in the breeze inside him finally caught fire, and sparked. From one soft kiss, to a more and more passionate connection they continued on that night. She wanted sex, and he didn’t, but he did it anyway to make her happy. Perhaps the nerves held him back from what otherwise could have been fantastic, but by the end of their passion they each lay next to one another, perfectly happy, minds calm, and sleep finally approaching. The rest of the night he held her kindly in his arms, not knowing where their relationship would head now.

The next morning they grabbed breakfast together, still happy to share in one another’s company. In the next week or two they spent similar nights with one another, and hung out occasionally, all the while continuing their conversations by text.